Just a Girl
By Macy from Kansas
A story about life, loss, and the importance of who you are
“Being you is not an accomplishment, it’s something that makes you stronger.”
Hi, My name is Macy Gorsuch. Let me introduce myself. Let’s start here, and go back or shall we go back and forth? Just a fair warning: I’m weird but you’ll get used to me.
I am sixteen years old (Of course, now i’m seventeen). I have one biological sibling, two cats, two parents, five grandparents, and two great grandparents. (We’ll get there soon). I struggle with anxiety, depression, loneliness, grief, stress, and so much more. I do not have any body confidence, nor do I have any self confidence.
My whole life has not been “perfect”, and continues not to be. I am not perfect, neither are you. No one is. The only one who is perfect, in my opinion, is God. God is perfect. Yes, I am a christian, and I’m not ashamed. I am proud. The only thing that I’m ashamed of in my christianity, is how much I doubted God, and how I have trouble believing in God.
Did you know; That God created you? That God is with you in your darkest times? God created nature, the sun, the sky, the earth, hearts, homes, love, and every strand on your head. Along with this, he creates and performs miracles on a daily basis. No matter what, miracles do exist. I believe I have experienced one or even more with some of my loved ones. We’ll get there later. God gave you your family for a reason. He has plans for you. He created the bible. He makes sure that he is always there for you and for everyone else. He loves you. God loves you.
So, did you know? Not going off of others who are christians, I mean you.
And yes, my book is random, but it covers many things. I cover about dreams, life, love, hope, faith, and God. Plus, friends, family, loss, struggles, being a teenage girl, jobs, advice, relationships, bad things, what to avoid, how to spot a toxic person, how to be safe in your own skin, and figuring out what your best at. Also many more. I’m going to talk about what it feels like to be invisible. Yes, I am alive, I am here, I am seen, and well- talked to, but I feel extremely invisible and I feel like no one cares, that I am, well, here, but who knows. Also, “Who knows” is definitely a statement made many times by many people, but do they know the meaning? I make this statement a lot. I’m going to try to cover all of these subjects, although it may not be the best, I am trying.
Yes, I’m only 16 but I know what I want to be, I know that I love the Lord, I know I am who I am for a reason and that whatever I say in this book may help you, or it may help someone else. Maybe you’ll take this book and talk to others about it. What’s my point of writing this book? My point is to reach out to you, reach out to others, share my story, and show that you are not alone. I am showing who I am, what my friends and my family don’t know and what they don’t understand, and well, more.
Yes, I’m saying more again. Whoops! I am covering as much as I can, and I’m hoping you’ll love it just as much as I do. Love, Macy
Oh, and this is my story…
To Everyone:
Dedicated to: My brother Zander, Brynleigh, My adoptive family, My biological family, and the part of me that is forever gone until I can find it again. (Update: I found her bb’s, and she bootiful, smart and she shines like a diamond.)
To my brother: For helping me, loving me, being who you are, understanding what i’m going through, remembering who I am, caring for me, and being my best rock.
To Brynleigh: Sweet baby girl, I miss you. I don’t know what to say, but I do know this. I am so glad that you are in a better place, and that you are with Zander. I know he is taking care of you and I know that you are singing, smiling, laughing and playing. I was really looking forward to watching you grow. I wanted to watch you get your very first A, make new friends, get your first boyfriend (But not too fast), take you on a shopping spree and girls day. See you get your driver’s license, and get your very first car. I wanted to see you fall in love for the first time, watch you get married, have kids (That I could also spoil), and become a grandmother eventually.
I wanted to watch you both grow up and watch your life grow. I wanted it all for you both. Yes, you didn’t get it, but I am watching you grow up with God in my heart and God right next to you, giving you comfort and peace.
To my siblings I never got to meet plus Zander: I love you guys. I miss you guys. I never got to know you, but I know that you are the best older siblings that I will ever have. The both of you and Zander are guiding me through everything, and you are building my strength. I love all of you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m sorry I’ve never thought about you guys, but I do now. I know I have 3 siblings. I know that I have the strength that I need. I have all of you. Just because I’m the last one here, I know that I’m alive for all of you. I don’t love my life and I’m not sure I will everyday, but I love all of you.
I can’t wait to be there. I’m scared, but I’m ready to see all 3 of you.
To my biological family: Thank you. I love all of you. You keep me strong every single day. I know I’m not the best, and I have been trying, but I hope you can forgive me.
To my adoptive family: You guys have been there for me for forever. You take me in, you hold me, love me, listen to everything I have to say and you also help me know that there is always more to life, that God is with me, next to me. When I’m with you guys, you help me understand a more christian household that shows more in depth faith in God, what we have been blessed with each day. Thank you guys.
To Everyone; I Love You All, thank you. Love,
Macy
A small note: I hope everything I say within this book helps you, and I hope and pray that whatever your going through, you have hope, and I hope you know, you’re always loved. I may not know about you or who you are but I’m here for you. In spirit or maybe not in spirit. You never know, but I’m here.
Chapter One: Written
Everything we feel is inside, but when we feel like we need to let it out, it doesn’t leave. Sometimes we find ourselves writing many things down, but is that what we feel? Is it exactly what’s going on in our minds, hearts, and spirits? Even souls? Is it what drags us down, makes us happy, or helps us?
Well, with me I have this feeling all the time. Especially when I’m sad or depressed. I feel like I need to get everything out but it doesn’t when I sit there and try to let it go. Let it come out. Does this happen to you also?
When I finally have that “Zone” to write, I always have to do it on the computer. Now, I don’t know why. I think it just helps me feel like there is freedom as I type everything down. Typing is like releasing imaginary swirls with every hit on the keys. You could see the swirls and colors go everywhere. Let it all go.
Whenever I have a zone coming, I can’t write because I don’t have the chance to let it out. And, well, it sucks. To be honest. Why? When I want to write and get stuff, like get my feelings out, I can’t. I either can’t get my computer, don’t have my phone, too tired, the internet doesn’t work or something else. Most of the time, there’s always something stopping me, but why? Why can’t I just let it go?
Chapter Two: Music
Listen to the sound. Hear every beat. Close your eyes. Let the tears roll down your cheeks. Let the thoughts run through your head. Hold on to that passion. Feel the beats. Hear the words. Become the words. Understand every single breath you breathe in and everyone you breathe out. Become the music. Hold on tight.
With me, I close my eyes. I feel every word. Understand my every breath. Become the song, become the music. As I breathe in and out, I grow calm. Let go of every struggle, every challenge, every heartbreak, every wrong, every right, everything that makes me fight. Let go of all of it. Just feel the memories, the life I’ve had, just.. Leave. It all leaves. As I go into this calm state, I feel peaceful. Like nothing matters. I can’t hear anything but the music. All I hear are the beats, the words, the song. Eventually the music fades, but it’s still there and the peace grows strong, then I see my brother, my memories. Everything, but there’s no tears, no heartbreak. Nothing. Just peace. I can think clearly, and embrace every memory without crying.
This. This is my safe spot.
Just peace.
Chapter three: Answers
We all have something that has happened in our life. Whether it’s a loss, a heartbreak or something else. Something bad that has happened, basically.
We all seek answers. Whether it’s asking a bunch of questions or doing research. We search. Sometimes, or at most, we don’t get the answers we need.
Have you had this issue? I know I have it everyday. When my brother passed away, It hurt. Four years ago, and I’m still searching. Still waiting. Most times I wonder that if I finally get answers, I’ll get closure. Feel good again. The thing is, will it make it worse, or will I get the closure I need? I don’t know.
Something about getting answers that I’ve thought about was this.. His autopsy report.
I have always, for some reason, been wanting to read it. See and understand exactly what they have determined to have killed my brother. That is, well, scientifically.
I actually found out where it is and numerous times I told myself “Whenever Mom and Dad aren’t home, I will read that report. Maybe it will help me understand, but I shouldn’t. It won’t be good for me. It’s NOT good for me. Plus, I will get into so much trouble if I get caught. But, I want to. I want to read it.”
Another thing I know is that a couple or so years back, I was researching how to legally listen to a 911 call.
Yeah, you got it right. The 911 call that took place between 10 and 1030am on July 4th, 2014. The day my brother died.
I don’t know why I have felt the need or want to do these things but I do know.. I’m probably psychotic. :)P
Probably not a good thing?? Maybe?
-ily
Fam-
Faith- THey always have it
Arms are always open
Magically different
Interestingly weird
Loving you always
Young and free
Chapter Four: friends
We all do it. We all wonder who our friends are. Who the true ones are, who is fake, who is going to leave us like a pile of clothes in the middle of the road, and who isn’t.
The thing about friends is.. Well, their hard to find. Most of the ones that i have made throughout my life have ended up using me, leaving me, and bringing me down. Most of the actual real friends that I have made end up moving away, running away or doing something stupid. I love them, but could i ever have that Riley Matthews and Maya Hart friendship in this lifetime? In my lifetime?
Having friends is key in life. Being alone, it hurts. I surrounded myself with people who I think or thought are my friends, but sometimes or at most, it just feels fake. I feel lonely, forgotten, annoying, and invisible.
Later on..
I finally feel good. I got rid of my (friends) who were hurting me. Now, I stay here, sit here and I found a friend within myself. She’s amazing, kind, loving and caring. She takes care of me, and cares for others.
Chapter 5:Day 1
December 2012
The day that changed our lives forever. The day it all started. The train is gone and here we go.
Alright, okay, feel, breathe, and remember.
Zander Gorsuch. 8 years old. My little brother.
The day it all began is one of the key days I remember from it all.
My brother had not been feeling well that day. He told my mom that night. Now, my mom was currently in nursing school. After putting her computer down, she told me to grab her stuff and she checked the basics. I believe it was his heart rate, and blood pressure.
My father was at work. He worked nights.
Anyways, she turned to me and said “We have to go to the hospital.” After calling my grandmother to come over, my mom asked me to get his stuffed bears from in his room.
We lived in an apartment. When you walk in the front door, the kitchen, dining room (All in one) and door to the basement, was on the right. On the left was a half bathroom.
When you walk straight, you go into the living room. Our Christmas tree, and TV were on the left. Couch was straight ahead and two chairs with other furniture was on the right. My brother was in a black rolling chair in front of the TV, my mom was on the couch doing homework, and I was on one of the other chairs. When your facing the chairs, there is a stairwell in front of you, and a desk on the left.
Once you go up the stairwell, there is a full bathroom straight ahead. When you turn right, my room is on the right, my brothers is straight ahead and our parents’ room on the left towards the end of the hall.
I ran up the stairs, grabbed his bear’s off of his bed and ran back down. Once my grandmother came, my mom took him to the hospital and we stayed at the apartment. My mom had a lady coming over to get something, so after she came, my grandmother and I left. We went back to grandma’s house, told my grandfather and went to bed.
I believe that night was the night that my mom and brother were transferred in the ambulance to a town that is about an hour away. This certain ambulance had got a flat tire that night, so, my brother had to be moved to a different one. This ambulance was brand new. Isn’t that wonderful?
It was either that night or some other day, that he was flown from the town to Denver, CO.
Then, well, you know, he was diagnosed. Which, started our new, horrible journey to where we are now.
See
yoUrself
As New
aS
tHe
lIght
shiNing
And brightly Entering who you are
Meets
cRying
UnderneAth your
PIllow while
HidiNg from your demons
Sunshine
Meets
Rain
Chapter 6: Diagnosis
March 2013
It has been three or four months now. My brother has been diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy. A heart condition.
He has now had his first heart transplant.
Dilated Cardiomyopathy- A condition in which half or all of the heart is enlarged and weakened. Which, makes it to where the heart is unable to pump blood regularly. This can make the heart beat faster. My brothers heart, at one point, was beating over 100 beats per minute. Which, well, would hurt.
Chapter 7: Throughout
December 2012-July 4th, 2014
Throughout the time of my brother being sick. It was hard. He was in and out of the hospital in Denver. In a totally different state. My mom was the only one with him other than doctors, nurses, and New friends that he had made.
My father and I went about once a month. We came on friday, stayed saturday, and left sunday. I would have homework to do on the road, which, I hated and All that time, i didn’t realize that the memories I make then are the ones I could of had for eternity once he passed away.
NOw, I don’t even know who I am. My heart is gone.
Remember. Remember the life we live. The memories.
Feel. Feel every word beneath your skin.
Think.Better than the people who bring you down.
Breathe.until the light shines through the dark path. Concentrate.on every step.
Love. Who loves you, not those who make you hurt.
Hurt. Your demons by smiling every day.
Repeat. The good memories while in the dark.
Gone. Because you opened the window for the demons after you shut the door.
Family that
Remembers
And LIfts you
through Everything
No matter
The Doubt
That endureS you with every embrace
IF
YoU
Know thaT
Ur still alive on the inside,
YouR FUTURE is
The enErgy that is ahead of you and constantly brewing on the inside
Better
Heart And Soul
Sometimes things in life take everything from you. Sometimes it brings something good to you, but at the same time, you can suck right back into depression. It takes all your strength, heart, soul and mind away from you. Like there’s nothing left. It feels painful to breathe,
Depression
“Within your heart, is a life within. Within your body is a soul, for God made you who you are, and no one will ever take that away.”
End of the World; as we know it
In the bible it says that the world will come to an end one day, but who ever believes in the lord God, have him in their heart, and believes they will go to heaven- will be saved.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and ONLY son so that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal Life”. – John 3:16
John 3:16 is one of my favorite things from the bible, and, well…. The only one i have memorized at the moment.
NOt bad. Huh? At least I have one memorized. I bet all of you have at least five memorized, yeah, I know, I’m wayyy behind. Whoops!
Here’s the thing with the end of the world, it sucks. It sucks because we’re all going to die and nothing will exist anymore. Everything will be gone. The roads, lights, phones, cars, waterfalls, trees, houses.. Hard to believe? Tell me about it. I still can’t believe it.
Maybe, i’m not right. Maybe the world won’t end but it does feel like it when your a depressed teenager trying to live your life.
Here’s another thing about it, you can take it and compare it to depression. HOw?, you may ask. Well, here.
Second semester: Junior year.
I was thinking about the loss of my nephew as I sat down so I could think straight.
I had this feeling all week: That there would be a car crash, I just didn’t know who.
Today is Monday. I heard on Saturday night.
Why does this hurt so much? How could this hurt so much?
I never got to meet him, i never got to see him, i never even got to see his picture. Yes, it was due to legal things. But, why did this hurt? Yes, he’s my nephew.. Well, adopted basically, but still, why did this hurt?
As I thought about this, and about how I missed him. Then my thoughts drift off into thinking about her new job, how safe she is, and my dad’s job, his doctor’s appointment, my grandmother’s job, stress, calendar’s, everything just keeps coming. One after another. Then the crying enhances. Tears running down my cheeks. WHy? WHy did this happen? Why can’t I think about one thing without an anxiety, stress and panic attack?
Welp, here comes all the demons attacking me. Nothing is going to stop them after this moment.
I also start thinking about how I may be going back into my depression. GReat.
Literally the LAST thing I need at the moment also.
And, I think about how this loss can be different, how i can use what I had just learned with the loss of my brother and use it to help me with my current grief.
Invisible
Just because your alive, doesn’t mean you aren’t invisible
But i don’t support this sentence i came up with in my own head 5 minutes ago (5 months).
I don’t even remember what i mean with saying this sentence. Maybe i’m just saying that Just because you are alive, doesn’t mean you don’t feel invisible. You get what i’m saying? I don’t. It makes sense for a minute then it turns into a cartoon where the roadrunner is getting chased by the coyote but the coyote plops off the edge of the mountain into the valley “Poof!”
Looks like I can’t describe the sound effect I’m hoping to have going in here. You know, the sound effect that you hear when someone is falling off of the edge of a cliff and you make a whistle sound then you hear a big “Boom” or “Poof”! DO you know what I mean?
I don’t know, but anyways ;)p
My point is:
You are alive
Yes, if you feel invisible, that’s okay. Others do too. You never know who might, they just don’t admit it because they are afraid to feel, to look vulnerable. There might even be popular kids that feel this way. You know, cheerleaders, dance team, football players, volleyball, or other sports teams that may be popular. It could be anyone around you.
(Yes, even the bully who thinks they are oh so hilarious)
I think something we all hear but never try to learn or actually take into effect is that Everyone is going through something, so smile. Be kind to one another you NEVER know what others are going through. There are so many things you could be going through or someone around you might be going through.
This is only a little bit of it. I had almost fifty pages so I only submitted a bit of it. I hope all of you enjoy it. It most definitely is not finished but I am trying so I hope everyone likes it so far.
– Macy from Kansas